And I Used to be the Skinny Girl

I had looked at the photos several times. There we were, my 2 sons and I in England together. I lived in England 22 yrs. earlier for almost 5 yrs. when I was in the military. Both my sons were born there and we left when they were babies. I always wanted to be able to show them this great country. So we spent 6 good days there and they enjoyed it. We didn't get to see everything we wanted to see but it was nice.

Of course, there were pictures taken and we met many others there who were from different countries also taking photos. They all came for a church event including us. So many of the pictures showed up on Facebook which we all shared. I've looked at them several times, trying to pick out where we were at and who was in the picture. But then after looking at them over and over, I looked again the other day and there it was, a picture someone else had taken. It really was of two other people but I just happened to be standing with my back to them and I was on the side of the picture. I guess I had never noticed I was even in it before.

I never noticed because I thought that had to be someone else. A tourist perhaps, since we were watching the Changing of the Guards at the Guard Barracks. But as I started to come to grips that the person standing there was me, I got a very sick feeling in my stomach. So I went to another photo where we were all in church on Sunday and there I was again. Was that really me? Could it be possible? I mean, I'm not young anymore, but was that the woman I was meant to be? Is that who I had become?

I was realizing that I was, out of over 100 people, the fattest (yes, I used the f word) person in the room. What happened! I've become obese. Oh, I've had some help along the way. 22 yrs. ago I got very ill and it's never stopped. I ended up with some illnesses that at the time, didn't even have names. Today they are called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. Back then I was so ill I could barely function. It took many years, doctors and pills to figure out what was happening.

You see, the medications you take for these illnesses help your body keep going but will definitely put weight on you. I am 5'7" and weighed 137lbs. 22 yrs. ago when I became ill. I now weight 224lbs. In London, I weighed 211 and still looked huge. That was only 3 months ago but then again, I did have to start on a different medication. And I am big, but there are certain medicines I've stopped to try and loose weight but the symptoms are worse without them. Some I'll have to take the rest of my life because now I have a thyroid problem also.

Everyday I wake up hoping today is the day I feel normal again. And every morning, I'm disappointed. I want my energy back so I can exercise and when I exercise even just a little bit, I want my body to quit attacking me and making me worse. You see, it's a vicious circle that I've been chasing for years. I know how to eat because before I got sick, I was into being extremely fit. I know how to exercise because I worked out with experts. There's nothing new you could tell me I don't already know.

Recently I've noticed people have been looking at my stomach instead of my face when they talk to me. I cannot believe I am where I said I would never be. Fat. I'm not going to apologize for using the word Fat. Because I am. Yes, I was the skinny one in our family, in high school, in the Air Force. But sometimes in life you don't get a choice in what happens. Yes, it's true, I hate to inform Oprah, but people don't always ask to be sick. Sometimes, crap happens.

I've never made fun of anyone for their weight. There were girls I hung with in High School that would make fun of certain girls but I hated that. I wish I had spoke up more to them. But then again, some of them used to pick on me also. Just bullies really. But now people are looking at my stomach, are they trying to figure out am I pregnant or just fat. I don't know but I'm starting to experience what other overweight people must go through every day. I went to an appointment the other day and this thin woman tried to tell me everything to get me thin again but it was how she looked disgustingly at me that bothered me. Good for her for being healthy...hope nothing knocks her on her ass in the few coming years. She'll be in for a shock.

I don't know what to do anymore. Last week I decided to replace any carbs and sugar with vegetables and fruit. I put on 4 lbs. Makes me wonder, is it ever going to stop.

For now, all I can do is hope that I can figure out something else to get rid of the weight. Try to come off more medications while knowing it may mean I won't even be getting out of bed because they are what keep me walking and moving.

Yes, the circle of chronic illnesses can become so heavy....but then again, so did I.

And I used to be the skinny girl.

Oprah and Bob Greene

I've been listening to Oprah's web casts for Monday with Bob Greene on her Best Life Series.  They were talking about whether or not you think you are worthy of being healthy. Bob suggested you go back to the first 10 years of your life where your brain is wired on how it thinks and see where was the first time you felt like other people's pleasures and opinions were more important than your own.  

WOW, as Oprah would say; Ah Ha!!

But the truth is, I already knew the answer to that.  It was when I was 5 yrs. old.  I have a twin sister and she and I were put in 2 different classrooms in kindergarten.  It seemed that my class had more artistic times; more play items; a piano; puppet theater and a huge play room with what were playhouses and her class was more about books and learning. 

 I remember visiting her classroom and feeling sorry for her that she didn't have the whole playroom, piano and puppet theater we had.  But the truth is that our class was supposed to be the more "not so smart" kids.  After a while, I got that.  But the moment I realized I wasn't as important was the one day we both came home with a piece of paper.

Her class had come to visit our classroom and we just took a simple piece of construction paper and remember how you use to draw lines all over and then color in each piece a different color?  That's what we did.  The paper was that dirty white color and she colored her different areas in with all pastel pinks, blues and yellows.  She didn't press hard on her crayon either, she liked it light.  Today, she still likes to wear these colors.

I had the dirty white paper also.  But I took the purple, black; green and red crayons and pressed really hard to color solidly in each piece and I always ended up not being able to always stay in the lines.  The colors were vivid and solid; eye catching.  Today, I still like these colors. 

But when we arrived home, we went into the kitchen where my mom was and she was handed my sister's paper first.  She glowed over it and how lovely it was telling my sister what a good job she did.  She then hung it proudly on the refrigerator.  

Then I handed her my paper.  Her whole face changed.  As a matter of fact, I remember it scared me to look at her.  Which I realize means I already knew what was coming.  She grit her teeth and said, "this is the ugliest picture I have ever seen", "why would you pick these ugly colors and you can't even stay in the lines"!!!  Then she did the one thing that she did with my life several times.  She crumpled up the paper and threw it away. 

 She threw away a piece of me.

I must have already experienced her wrath against me because I was already scared to share it with her but it was the first time inside my head I said to myself at age 5, "this is going to be a really hard life".  

I can tell you now I know why she always treated me differently now.  A lot of it had to do with the fact I had a close relationship with my father. I also looked just like her and she was aging; not gracefully in her head.  And I had cost them an immense amount of money due to health issues I had back then.  In other words, she was unhappy in her life and she had found the person she could take it out on and it would be me until she started dying of cancer 32 years later.  

I won't go into all of it and my sisters and brother probably never noticed although one time my twin sister admitted she had treated me differently.  

But to figure out that moment and know this is when I was told by someone I wanted respect from and that I wanted to respect that I was not only bad at coloring, but I was so worthless that I could be thrown away.  WOW.  I've said several times that I never felt secure or safe in my own home and this was the point I dreaded the meanness I would see in her and the insecurity I've felt since.  

So now, I have to figure out how to rewire that.  How do you do that??  How do I make myself realize that I'm not only worth good health....

but that I certainly deserve it?  Don't I??

Not the Life I Bargained For

Well, it's been a while since I've written on my blog and I've tried to figure out why I stopped and I think I know why now.

I did enjoy the book I thought I would write about but then I got busy volunteering with the American Red Cross during the Iowa floods. Then of course life just happens. But mostly, I've come to realize I'm tired of talking of my illnesses. That somehow I feel it fuels them for me personally and makes me live in them more than I wish to. For others it seems to be a release but for me I feel I'm constantly reminding myself of them and that seems to make me feel worse. It almost feels like a label to me and I'm tired of being labled.  It is who I am though.

There are other things I want to write about. Silly things really. Everyday discoveries; events and just plain life.  You see, I feel better. I'm on new medicines and I feel ...well...sometimes close to normal. Not always, but sometimes. Of course I realize at any moment, that could change.

And I'm loosing a little weight here and there. That could be due to finding out the Thyroid problem I had. I do know that I'm feeling like I may not only want to try and go back to work but I may want to try for a new career. That's right, at age 51, maybe I've been given a new lease on finding a new life. I'm thinking of investigating becoming a flight attendant. 

I recently flew to England and met many women my age that were flight attendants. A few of them have only been doing this for a small amount of time. There is not an age limit and now they just ask for a height to weight ratio instead of like many years ago when you had to be thinner. The benefits are great and the fact you get to travel and fly for a small amount is so tempting. Plus, I would get a chance to sit down now and then and I can bid on how many hours a month I want to fly. More control than your normal 9-5 job. I do really miss traveling.

I still would like to loose more weight just to feel better and London proved quite the challenge to my walking. Trying to navigate with young people in their 20's through the many stairs and the tubes (subways) and the many miles we must have walked was a real challenge. But I hadn't really tried walking distances since going on my Ritalin which gives me energy. There were a few days I simply couldn't go but I seemed to do better than I thought I would and therefore showing me a new light at the end of a very long tunnel I've been in.

It got me thinking that maybe I can do more than I think since going on the Ritalin and Thyroid medicine. Energy is certainly what gives us the life we dream of leading. I especially miss making my own money.    

And now I'm waking up from the dream of working again and realizing this is Not the Life I Bargained For.

A NEW EARTH

Yes, I'm one of the 800,000 people taking Oprah's online class for the book "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle.  

I'm not usually one for following the crowd but since all these health issues and hardly having a life anymore, I've been looking for something more spiritual in my life to help me get a grip on my situation.  

I had read the book Oprah recommended before this one which was "Eat Pray Love".  And it's a wonderfully written non fiction story of a woman's journey during and after her divorce.  Something I'm familiar with, a nasty divorce over 15 yrs. ago.  But the book was one of the best written books I have ever read. 

 

So I thought maybe I'd pick up this A New Earth book to try also.  I don't always read the recommended books from Oprah, I rarely can stay awake reading period!!  So I started trying to read this book looking for answers for my own life.  Wanting to change the way I look at things because pain and health issues can create a negative monster or as this book would say, I created my own monster. 

 

I will say it is not an easy read for me anyhow.  It is a book that if you are not in a place where you are open to new awareness of your spiritual self, it won't interest you at all.  Or maybe it's just not time for your "journey". 

 For me however, I've had to read and reread the first chapter at least 3 times and I've joined a book club that many people also said the same thing.  It gets easier after that.  It's a hard book to explain except it speaks how we let the ego in ourselves make our lives and decisions instead of letting our unique selves be present in the moment to make that decision.  You see, it is hard to explain but for some reason, I get it.  Maybe it's my time for that journey.

Oprah has a class every week you can join with the author that helps explain things further.  I don't find that this collides with my Christian beliefs, as a matter of fact, it seems to help me look at God's word even more deeply then before. 

 

I would recommend this book if you're looking for peace in your head from the many thoughts that invade us.  It's been an eye opener for me.  I see how I've helped create a lot of my stress and silly thoughts that stab and wound my very being.   

I will try to update as my journey goes on.  My goal is to totally stop thinking and talking about my health...which is going to be hard on this blog since most of it is about my health.  

DISABILITY PAYMENTS

So this is March 2008 and today I was informed that it will be March 2009 before I receive my first disability payment. So in July 2004 I stopped working, it took 3 yrs. to get a court date and I had to go twice. Now, I have to wait another year to get my payments started.

This is why we have disabled homeless individuals. Who is supposed to take care of us for 4 yrs. while all this paperwork bungle goes on and on?? FOUR years. By that time I hope God creates a miracle and cures me so I can make some real money. This has proved once again how the government will jump right in to help out. Ok, so I'm being sarcastic.

I'm wondering if Kansas is the only state this far behind on court dates and payments. If I hadn't met my husband of two years, I'd still be living in a Veterans Assisted Living Home waiting another year for my measly, and they are measly, payments.

What ever happened to my life I dreamed of? How did my health take over!! You know what...

THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I BARGAINED FOR!!!!!

DISABILITY APPROVED (AFTER 10YRS)

I couldn't believe it when my husband phoned me. I'd just come out of the Vet Center for Counseling and he phoned to tell me I had a thick package from Social Security. He went ahead and opened it to inform me after 10 yrs. of trying to get approved for disability; I had finally be granted a fully favorable decision. I couldn't even get really excited anymore. Of course I'm grateful.

When I was young I could never have imagined I would be so ill I couldn't work. I went into the Air Force and was going to make it a career. But it wasn't long before I fell really ill although I did trudge along for 6 yrs. before finally going down hill so much, I had to get out.

Disability is not something people strive to have on their resume of life. I know few who said to themselves; "when I grow up, I want to be disabled". It's hard sometimes when people ask what you do for a living or you attend a high school reunion and they want to know what's going on in your life. You really have to think of something to say. My husband has an Ebay store (http://web.mac.com/brendazbiz/Brendazbiz/Home.html) so I use it as an excuse to say "We work out of our home". I don't want to say, "I'm disabled".

It's not that I'm embarrassed, it's just that people start asking about your illnesses and then they get this look on their face; compassion or sometimes pity. It's really just too exhausting to explain because I have a few of those "invisible" illnesses. Fibromyalgia; Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Arthritis. I used to be able to dance through the night, now I'm lucky to walk a brisk 10 minutes. It's very frustrating to see others with careers or going back to school and some days you can barely make it to the Living Room just to sit up a bit.

I'm going to feel better having some money come in to help with expenses. I've been fighting those worthless feelings you have when dealing with these illnesses. I just keep faith that some day I'll be better and can once again get out in the world.

I'VE BEEN REVIEWED

Well, it's so exciting to get an email from another website saying they've done a review on you and they've added you to their site. At least is was for me. I was reviewed at http://www.peoplesmd.com/.

Here's just the small blurb they mentioned about my blog. (It still thrilled me)!! "We found this fibromyalgia blog to be among the most current. The author, self-described as “a mother, wife and simply a woman who stays at home with some health issues” shares this very personal blog, with good information and an very honest perspective on her condition."

I had read about this site on another blog just a few weeks ago. It's different from other medical sites because it has a place for Health Heroes. These are people who have blogs; personal guides and other sites that donate their personal health journey.

Here is part of PeoplesMD mission statement to explain what they are accomplishing. http://www.peoplesmd.com/static/mission_statement

"PeoplesMD is revolutionizing the way health information is organized on the web by empowering consumers, health professionals and organizations to identify, share, and rate the best health resources online.

On PeoplesMD, you play a valuable role in determining what information is most important, practical and useful for any health topic. Now instead of your health experience online being dictated by a Google algorithm or anonymous author, there's a site filled with great health links and personal guides by and for people with real world expertise. We call these people our Health Heroes and we invite you to join their ranks by quickly and easily sharing your favorite links and resources."

Sometimes the best information is from others who are also experiencing the same illnesses. There are Health Hero Topics; Medical Topics and Health and Wellness Topics to explore. You can also create a profile and if you have a blog that fits this site, you can apply to have it accepted there.

I appreciate them adding my blog to their site.

CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME

This is a great video recorded by Christina Celeste who also has a site that discusses this and raw food plus other aspects of CFS. Here she talks in depth about some of the symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. This is the first illness that hit me over 21 yrs. ago when they had no name for it and no books on it. Back then it was termed the Epstein Barr Virus. I had no idea what was happening to my body, but I seriously thought I was dying and no one knew what it was. I remember seeing Cher on a talk show talking about her symptoms of Epstein Barr and thinking to myself; could this be what I have?

CFS is an underrated illness that will totally and utterly destroy the life you lived and the life you dreamed you could live. I also have Fibromyalgia and it can be hard too, but CFS can actually cause seizure like symptoms or like me and Christina Celeste, we became paralyzed. There were times my legs wouldn't work and if I was walking, I would just fall over and couldn't get back up until my brain decided it for me. I might be drinking something and my arms would fall and I couldn't will to lift them until the brain decided it for me. My eyelids would close and I couldn't open them until the body was ready. Driving became too dangerous. The overwhelming; unexplainable exhaustion was too intense to work. So many other symptoms; pain; numbness and feeling like needles were being slammed into your skin at 1000 miles an hour is the kind of pain that has caused others to take there own lives.

This is one of the saddest illnesses I have ever studied and the lives totally interrupted by it. The dependency you have to have on others is usually too much for them and because you look "normal", people think you're making it up. I remember the first time I saw the first book ever written on CFS in a small library in Bellville, Ohio where I lived for a few years. I told my kids we couldn't stay any longer because I felt the exhaustion coming on and turned around and there it was... a top ten seller. I told my son to go get it for me and put it on the counter. The woman working at the library looked up at me and asked me why this book. I proceeded to tell her I believe this is the illness I'm suffering from and all of a sudden; she burst into tears.

I thought what did I say? She looked up and then said, "my husband just left me because of this illness". I told her I also had just gone through a divorce and was sure this had a lot to do with it. All we could do was hug each other. She was the first person I had met that had some of my symptoms. I felt so sorry for her. I knew how it had changed my life and the life I had.

This was the illness that made me give up my Air Force career. I had been in for 6 yrs. and was enlisted doing an officer's job so my Commander had helped me to get accepted into Officers Training which meant I had to go finish college to become an Officer. But right before that I started having to hide and fall asleep. People couldn't find me and one of my bosses was hiding what was going on with me. At the same time, I was getting married and that's the "excuse" I used to get out of the military. The truth was my Commander had noticed and informed me to either find a way to get out with the Honorable Discharge I wanted although he suggested I do a Medical Discharge. You know the Medical Discharge would have really helped me and I did not know that. I was a proud Air Force veteran and wanted to leave with that Honorable Discharge and I did. Today I'd give anything for that Medical Discharge.

What I wouldn't give financially for that "retirement paycheck" I never got to earn. I've done what others did with this illness, sometimes I could work but was sick alot and skipped around jobs so not to be fired or I just didn't work.

I still don't have disability pay and was a single mom for 15 yrs. of this illness. When I look back, I can't believe somehow on almost no money, sometimes welfare which I never dreamed I would be on, I did it. Unfortunately I don't remember some of it either because of the memory loss incured with it. The guilt you feel over it and what it takes from your children is a whole other post!!

This is a very serious illness and is taken seriously in other countries. It's time America wakes up and recognizes this illness. I know just last November 2007, that Social Security Disability has finally admitted it as a "real" illness. It took me 11yrs.; 36 doctors and countless tests to get my diagnosis. This, ladies and gentlemen are some of the symptoms of the most devasting illness I've survived; Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME SYMPTOMS-CHRISTINA