HAVE A LITTLE PATIENCE

"I need time, my heart is numb, has no feeling, so why I'm still healing...just try and have a little
PATIENCE". The British Group; Take That.

http://youtu.be/273eSvOwpKk

I just needed him to be more patient, but it wasn't in his makeup at that point at least for me.

I've recently started noticing that in relationships; any kind of relationship,  PATIENCE is missing. So is respect, communication adoration, admiration and even true; unconditional and accepting love.

When I moved back here, a man took me out a few times that I knew as a little girl and I was excited as he was to get to know each other. We always had this "connection" between us. He could make me laugh harder than anyone I had ever come across and I'm not even sure why. I can't tell you why I'm still attracted to him even after all that has happened, but that I can live with.

Now, it had been 43 years since I last lived here and went to elementary school with this man who used to follow me around in elementary and chase me because he adored me; and I adored him although I tried to act like I didn't. He would try to get me out back at church and hug me which is really funny now to me that we were at church...where were our parents? He held my hand at a school play and I remember the other kids peeking over the seats to actually see it happen. He came to our house when they were pouring cement sidewalks and put our letters in it.

Although he probably doesn't have all the same memories I do, he doesn't know how important those moments were in a broken girl's life. He has no clue that his heart helped me to see a little bit of joy in a life that had things falling apart around it.

I used to keep the jewelry he would give me at Christmas, yes, in elementary he bought me jewelry. As most women know, it's not really the jewelry that makes them feel loved, it's the time the man (or boy) took to know you. He knew the colors I liked, the styles I would wear and he took the TIME or maybe PATIENCE to look for the right pieces. It was the time he put into it that made me feel loved, not the jewelry itself.

It was so innocent, sweet and loving for 2 kids who had some huge issues. Maybe that's why we were attracted to each other even back then. He was always making me laugh and it would take my mind off of some of the horribly, devastating things happening in my little life even in that small town of Arlington, Ohio.

I always felt there must have been something in me that appealed to him also that helped him get through some things in his childhood, at least I hope it helped.

The one thing I adored the most about him as a boy was his "free spirit". He had a rare thing about him that you could tell he would do things and actually did NOT care what others thought as most of us still consider others when making decisions that we probably shouldn't even put into the equation. He wasn't doing things in an unconsiderate way, more of a confident way. He would go head first into anything and accept the consequences later. I liked that about him, he had Courage.

He was a bit of what I call a good "bad boy". Someone who might do something mischevious but not intentionally to hurt others and usually it got a laugh.

He always had a giving heart and would do almost anything for you if you needed it even as a child.

We were an "item" and ironically after all these years, some people still remember that. I'm extremely surprised at that and when I first came here and was running into people I knew as a child, they would ask me, "have you seen him yet"? "You know he's divorced".  The pressure from others would have usually made me turn and run, but I thought it would be nice to get to know him as a man.

When we went to dinner the first time, I remember feeling like I was being interviewed for a position the way he phrased his questions. He's very much like not just a bull in a China shop but a Bull who wants to hit every piece and break it open so he can see what's in it.

It was really way too fast for me...I needed a little PATIENCE.

But in the end, things would not work out for us. Ironically, the little boy who used to study me to learn so much about me didn't get to know the real me inside my heart. He talked politics and said, "you're so smart". I didn't want to talk politics; I wanted to talk matters of the heart and how he felt about things in his life that had happened. Typical woman. :)

It's sad in a way that I see so much turmoil and hurt in him. I was willing to be PATIENT with him because he had after all, been married since he was a teenager, imagine trying to learn to date again in your 50's after that!

I found it perplexing that he never asked me questions of the heart, like "why did you move back here"? "How do you feel about loosing the right to see your grandchildren". I would have told him how crushed my heart is that my stepdaughter made this decision over a stupid car, a car I even offered back to her dad so I could communicate with my Grandchildren. I wanted to discuss my hurt but it's not really fair to expect that of someone I haven't seen in so many years in reality; is it.

I've had a few people ask if it was him I came back to see. No, it was not.  I had already made my mind up to move here the very first time I saw him, we talked about it and he did say to me "Brenda, you need to move back here, you need to move back HOME".

That line was exactly correct, I had to come back to the place I felt like was my home, but I came back here to battle and win over some demons in my life that keep me awake at night, not to make it a home again; maybe later that can happen.

I came to the right place, at the right time. I needed to heal; I needed a little PATIENCE.

PATIENCE with myself is something I'm learning to give to me. I have always been someone who just beats herself up over nothing instantly without thinking through my thoughts and my feelings as to why I would do things to myself that don't honor me.

I'm learning I have more power for myself than I thought before.  I'm taking things slower in my life and making better decisions based on my gut feeling which is actually God speaking to me. I'm more spiritual than religious now and some of my views of that have even changed. I'm trying to get to peace, you see. Isn't everyone?

That little boy who has grown into a responsible man, loving Father and GrandFather, I will always adore and even love as in the kind of love you have for someone who mattered in your life.

I'm sad we couldn't even seem to become great friends and even sad I'll never get my motorcycle ride with him I thought would happen. Just something that was on my "bucket list".

We both like music, I would hope if he ever see this blog, which he won't unless I point it out to him, he would listen to the song I posted. The words represent how my heart feels.

In my deepest heart, I only wish him peace in his mind and to have his broken pieces of his heart to heal. I could never wish bad for him because at a moment in my life when I needed to laugh the most; he was there. I hope he finds happiness and anything else positive in his life to fullfill him.

I thank him for being the little boy's whose face I could see coming down the hallway with this huge, devilish and sweet grin that warmed my heart and made  me smile.  Especially the days when he didn't know what might have happened to me the night or day before. In some ways, he gave me hope that not all men were bad.

I have been told some about his past and others would argue that I don't see him clearly, maybe not in their eyes but this is how he was and is to me and for that I'm grateful. I know if I really needed to lean on him for something, he would still let me.

I can only hope he gets peace in his heart also.

I expected too much from someone who didn't even know me, maybe that goes a bit for him also expecting too much from me. We had these expectations and we disappointed each other. Something that is hard to fix.

In reality though, it's no one's responsiblity but mine to give to myself what I need to heal.

What I really need at this time in my life..... is just a little PATIENCE.......so to help heal my own broken heart; my broken life and broken me.