On the Road Again

It's 3:30 am and I can't sleep. I'm doing it again. Driving for hours to get somewhere. I'm moving. My Mustang GT is stuffed to the windows with 2 TV's, Files, Clothing, 2 computers, boxes of belongings, books and the ashes of my Boston Terrier; Lucky.

Lucky was supposed to be with me on this trip. He's moved so much, he was a pro at fitting in. But he started getting ill a few years ago. Then a few months ago, he started acting like he didn't know me or couldn't figure out how to walk through a door.

It was like seeing my Father all over again in the first stages of Alzheimers only this time, it was my dog.

Putting an animal to sleep is such a hard decision. The Vet I went to thanked me for not waiting too long. He said most people go too long and because pets can't express pain or anxiety they feel over confusion, their owners keep them alive too long.

Are we doing it for them or is it really for us?

This is such a controversial subject. It was a hard choice for me, I was getting ready to make a big move and of course wanted my dog with me.  But as the weeks came on, I started noticing he wasn't breathing that well, he was confused a lot and I knew his enlarged heart was probably causing the breathing issues.

Then there were days he seemed almost normal. But they were getting fewer and further between.

One day, I saw a picture of Lucky taken about 3 yrs. earlier and realized how different he looked now. But it wasn't just age, it was the light in his eyes...it was dull. Oh, he was still excited to meet people and see me when I came in, but not the same as when I saw the picture.

I started realizing that maybe he was sicker than I thought since dogs hide their pain so well. He was already on drugs for his heart; breathing and pain. There wasn't much more we could do for him.

One of the things that helped me to make the decision the most was that I sat down and wrote out a list of all the physical things that had happened to him in the last 2 years. The list ended up being a notebook page long.

How could I have missed all this put together? Because I was too close to him. It happened over time and I couldn't see it. I knew when I got to the end of my list, that the decision was clear. It was time for Lucky to rest.

After 13 years of having him around everyday, I can tell you I still do things like make my tea in the morning and turn around to feed him. Walk over to the back door thinking he'll be there waiting to come in.

You would think that not having to feed a dog, walk him, bath him and play with him let alone do things for him if he gets ill would be some kind of "freedom". 

But it's not. It's simply lonely. I miss my Lucky.

I remember as he went to sleep, I realized it was the first time I watched his body so relaxed in a few years.I hadn't realized how tense his body had become.  Had I waited too long? Had I held on for me instead of what was better for him? I hope not.

Lucky is finally resting.

It's just me who is restless now.